Beach Lessons

I learned some lessons while at the beach.

The first lesson is "Why They Call It A Miracle Suit." My bathing suit is called a Miracle Suit. My niece asked me if it was a Miracle Suit and I said, "Why? Does it make me look miraculous?" and she said yes--so we high fived! But that is not why it is called a Miracle Suit... In the event that you have in fact been bathing in this bathing suit and consequently it becomes wet and then suddenly the Hurricanes you drank have made their way through the plumbing and you have to find a restroom as soon as possible (stay with me--we're almost there), after using the restroom, it takes a miracle to get the damn suit pulled back up! I still have a bruise on my ankle... I recommend laying out to dry as much as possible before attempting to don this wet suit in a cramped bathroom stall with people outside getting nervous because they hear a lot of struggling and see random glimpses of elbows, shoulders and knees over the top of the stall door. This, my friends, is why it called a Miracle Suit!

The second lesson I learned is that life guards aren't just for looking cute on a tall chair, or as characters in incredibly lame television shows like Baywatch. They really do save people and respond VERY quickly. I actually got to witness a rescue at the beach and the lifeguard ran out into the water with his life preserver and two lifeguard trucks showed up in seconds with lights flashing. It was pretty scary--but the weirdest part, was the person that was saved stayed in the water after the rescue! I think if that were me the story would have ended right there--vacation OVER!

The third lesson I learned is to never, ever, under any circumstances go into a souvenir shop with three small children. Not only was the place overcrowded with merchandise, but other people and their small children too. There was a large hermit crab tank in the front of the store and children were draping themselves all over it and shoving their faces under other people to see in. You would have thought something much cooler than hermit crabs were in that tank the way people were acting! I had to retreat to the back of the store to avoid a panic attack from sensory overload of people bumping me, children shrieking, and four people talking to me at once. Next time I will arrange for another guest to wait with the children involved in the trip and then we can swap off. I'll bet they can find our kids' fingerprints on everything below four feet high in that store. I think we made the owner start drinking...I saw him sipping something behind the counter.

The fourth lesson I learned is how the human bodies sync with each other. I know you have all heard about how women who live or work together end up with their menstrual cycles syncing and it turns out that men can experience a similar phenomenon. After sleeping in close quarters for one night, two men can synchronize their snoring--much to the annoyance of their over tired wives. Between Scott and my dad, that place sounded like a saw mill. I really expected to start developing allergies to saw dust in the middle of the night in the midst of my sleep deprived psychosis. I also witnessed that everyone in the room all synced to the same toileting schedule and there was only one bathroom in the room. No sooner than one person stepped inside the magical room, everyone else developed a serious bathroom related crisis at the exact moment. Scary...I wonder if Myth Busters wants to test that one out.

The fifth lesson I learned is that bellhops are like stray dogs. If you tip them--they keep swarming around your vicinity trying to look loyal and hoping for more of the same. We tipped one of them with a watermelon and he is still on my back porch offering to proofread this for me. (Seriously the bellhops were awesome and really went out of their way to help us--I just wondered if they were naturally that kind, or if it was from classical conditioning [my psychology teachers would be so proud]). (And we really did tip once with a watermelon--don't sneer--it was seedless and delicious.)

The sixth lesson I learned was that if you are unfortunate enough to be at the same hotel as Dennis the Menace and you see him disassembling the light in swimming pool and laying it on the edge of the pool with the wires hanging into the water--get your kids out of the pool fast and go report it to the hotel management. If not, everyone (including Dennis' dad) will act like nothing is happening and continue swirling around in the pool waiting to be electrocuted! Seriously, even cows know how to stay out of the way of lightning in storms--yet these supposedly higher beings couldn't put together: water + exposed electrical wires = electrocution/possible death. When I went and told the manager what happened and that people weren't getting out of the pool, he freaked out. People were removed from the pool against their will and the electricity to the pool was turned completely off. By the time maintenance had the pool all fixed, little Dennis had struck again by busting one of the glass bulbs around the deck lights. This kid will either grow up to be the next Thomas Edison and make a revolution in electricity or he will be in JDC for property destruction. Good luck with that electrical engineering job little Dennis!

The seventh and final lesson--because 7 is my favorite number--is that Hurricanes are really REALLY good drinks and you can call every third one Katrina because it will be pretty devastating.