The Plight of the Snow Birds

Last Saturday I went to Walmart to get the finishing touches for Katie's Halloween costume. It was then that I realized that the "Snow Birds" had finished their annual migratory passage to our great state from their northern homes. I could tell this because upon approaching the entrance to Walmart, cops were blocking traffic and a life-flight helicopter was trying to find a place to land to clear away the critically injured people in the wreckage below. I quickly found a different route into the Walmart parking lot, only to find that if I wanted to park somewhere, I would have to find another zipcode to do it in because blue-haired ancient people were coming up the lanes in droves and every parking space was filled by giant badly parked vehicles with out of state tags. At this point I also remembered how a situation like this last year kept me from going to Walmart for 4 months because I was afraid I would go to jail for breaking some rude old geezer's hip the next time I went. I finally parked in a whole other county and walked to Walmart. After I got inside the scene was no better. There were old people EVERY WHERE. The problem I have here, is not that they are old, or from out of state, but that they are intrinsically rude and annoying. I am trying to weave between them and they are either moving extremely slow and blocking all the aisles or trying to speed around on those motorized scooters and run over your toes. I thought that their behaviors in Walmart pretty much match those of their driving skills. They are either bumping you with carts, blocking every one's way, or trying to speed past you to make sure that no one gets the last box of prunes before they do. Which brings me to the point that maybe all old people should not be allowed to drive--not even a scooter or a shopping cart. I know, I know--you must think I am an evil geriatric hater or something, but no one loves their granny more than I do. Love has nothing to do with safety. And some of you may say, what about their rights to drive and get around and I say what about my right to not DIE on my way to Walmart. Or my right to not have the backs of my heel rammed for the entire duration of my shopping trips! Everyone knows the fate of Achilles. I know that when I am pushing 100 and I am racing around at unsafe speeds in the wrong lane in my barge sized car that doubles as an assault weapon I will want to eat these words, but for now, for God's sake if you can't see over the steering wheel stay your ass at home! If you can't shop without being a jerk to everyone in the store just because you are cranky that your hemorrhoids are flaring--stay home! This is enough to make me shop online for the rest of the entire season of "Snow Bird" activity. Now I remember why I was ready to move last winter...I think polar bears would be more hospitable.